Whispering The Unspoken

Narcissists will try to make excuses for their toxic abusive behavior, framing it as acts of kindness or that “they were just trying to help”. This can be really confusing, because you want to believe them and maybe they do have good intentions, but there is something really off with their intentions, actions, and words. You are being gaslit.

Unsolicited advice is a good example for this. Now, before I start, no, not everyone who gives unsolicited advice is a narcissist. Some people are actually trying to help with positive intentions behind their actions. If you pay close enough attention, you can easily tell when someone has good intentions for you and is offering advice in genuine ways, versus someone who is condescendingly judging, criticizing, belittling, insulting, and disrespecting you behind the false guise of “just trying to help”.

Note:

Also, not everyone wants advice they didn’t ask for. That’s ok and honestly, pretty understandable. I personally find it quite rude to give unsolicited advice to someone who didn’t ask, so I stray away from doing so as best as I can. To me it’s almost like crossing boundaries. If I wanted your advice, I’d simply ask. I apply the same logic to those around me, even if they disagree. If I don’t like things being done to me, I’m not going to do it to someone else.

Why Do Narcissists Give Unsolicited Advice?

When narcissists give unsolicited advice or “helpful comments”, please realize that there is no good intention behind it. There just isn’t. I’ve noticed this behavior especially in covert or conversational narcissists. It’s a manipulation tool they use to covertly judge, undermine, insult, and criticize you.

I have compiled a list below as to their reasons why they do it:

• To Assert Superiority – They are the “experts” or acts like a know it all, using unsolicited advice as a way to make you feel inadequate or that you don’t know what you are doing. Ex. telling you that they don’t agree with how you do things and that “you are doing it wrong.” As if you’ve even asked them if they agreed with what you’re doing.

• Control – Dominating the conversation and trying to get you to do what they want you to do. They don’t like or respect that everyone does things their own way. You need to do things their way, and demanding gratitude for them “helping you” when you did not ask for it. Ex. “After all I’ve done for you” etc.

• Supply – They need to feel like the savior and that they are fixing you. This fuels their false sense of superiority and their feelings of being “needed” by others.

• Entitlement – They feel entitled to invade your boundaries and the need to insert themselves into your life and give their unwarranted two cents when it wasn’t asked for or needed. This also ties in with the superiority complex and that “you need them” when you don’t.

So the next time a narcissistic person gives you advice and you feel some type of way about the underlying intention, whether you feel like they are being condescending, insulting, disrespectful, or judgy, your feelings are right and they are. Don’t let them gaslight you into believing that they were “just trying to help.” They weren’t. You caught on to what they were really doing, you felt it, you know it. Please listen to your discernment.

Don’t React Defensively

Don’t make the mistake I did, and many others, and react defensively. Don’t even bother questioning their unsolicited advice and why they felt the need, the entitlement, to give advice when no one asked. Don’t even bother trying to tell them, “Hey, I don’t like this”, because they will just turn the conversation into a personal attack. You will get absolutely no where even attempting to have a simple and civil conversation with a narcissist. They will just attack you, berate you, or say you’re toxic for not wanting their advice or help you never even asked them for.

How to Handle:

• Use Neutral Responses – Don’t engage or feel the need to argue or justify your opposing decisions, just use neutral responses. Ex. “interesting perspective” or “I’ll consider it”.

• Don’t Take it Personally – Realize that their unsolicited advice is about their need for control and their false sense of superiority, it does not reflect who you are or your own capabilities.

• Set Healthy Boundaries – Avoid talking about personal subjects to avoid giving them the need to insert themselves into your life or make you feel inadequate.

Moral of the story is, don’t let the narcissist gaslight you into believing that they have good intentions and was trying to help. Don’t let them guilt trip you either or attempt to make you feel like a bad person for not wanting their advice. See through their manipulation, their gaslighting tactics, and pay extra close attention to their actions. There is always a negative intention beneath everything they do and say. Always use your discernment.

~ Whispering The Unspoken